beautiful metamorphasis...

This weekend, I read over the entries in my old weblogs and journals, laughing here and there, wincing, even cringing, at times. And I wondered, When did I go from being a child to a young adult? When did I gain a sense of responsibility? When did my viewpoint shift from what was in front of me, to the big picture? I couldn't place my finger at any particular moment in time when the change occurred. It wasn't necessarily when I joined the Church, though I did gain a greater understanding of my purpose and a greater love for my family then. I certainly became a better person, a great deal more spiritual. However, even then, I fell behind in school, into ruts of depression and solitude, and at times, forgot who I was. I had the tools at my hands to be able to tread the surface of life instead of walking, falling, working, and growing. I was a child in every single aspect.

Money was never an issue in life, growing up. I was raised in a large, lakeside house with four bedrooms and three bedrooms, two living rooms, a kitchen, and a two-car garage. Anything I needed, if I asked, it would be granted. If I needed clothes, I could ask Lance for a couple of hundred bucks and go shopping for the season. A haircut--? Done deal. We all had different types of food that we liked, so the pantry had almost anything liked. And, oh boy, on Christmas, I don't believe there is anyone that stocked up quite as much as Heather and me.

Grades weren't a serious matter because I never faced any real consequences from them. My only worry was that I wouldn't graduate high school, and how embarrassing that would be. I knew that even if I failed at life, I would always have a family to turn to, to help carry me through life. And that was the way I saw things--I would always be "taken care of" no matter what happened. I had never had any reason to think differently.

Heather, my sister, was a different story entirely. Even though she had access to all the things she needed, she depended on nobody materialistically, except herself. She worked hard for good grades, not fearing consequences, but because she wanted to do well. She didn't hesitate in getting a part-time job after high school, like I did--she has always been a hard worker, very ambitious, unlike her dreamy, childlike younger sister. She's always been a great role model for me in many aspects, but I felt that those admirable traits that she had were unattainable.

It hasn't been a complete year since my mother and stepfather's divorce, and I've grown more in this length of time than I had in my entire life. At first, I struggled. I did poorly in my first semester of college, dropped a couple of classes, and almost resigned myself to being that person who just "can't do" college. For the first time, I was fearing life. I had always been supported, so I had no strength of my own--or so I thought. The weird thing is, since then, I have become a different person. Would you believe that I have straight A's for the first time in my life? Where did this motivation, drive, and strength come from?

I think I finally see exactly how ingenious the Plan of Salvation is! I finally understand, fully, and appreciate everything I've been through in my young life. Over this period, I have gained a testimony of exactly how effective Heavenly Father's plan is and can be. We were put on Earth to be challenged to walk on our own, without anyone holding us up, so that we would grow into beautiful, strong people! I can't wait to see how much more I have to learn :)!

Oh how I love my Heavenly Father!

the life of a linguist

As I was flipping through my long pages filled with notes and vocabulary, I realized that in my own way, I am very studious. The art of language intrigues me--the study and use of other languages, as well as the use of my own. I was told by my mom that when I was baby, I took a bit longer to start talking than Heather, but when I started talking, I was forming complete sentences. I wonder if I somehow realized that there was a certain way for things to be communicated. At some point, I will be fluent in Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, and Japanese. Oh, and then I will go on to study Italian and Latin and French and German, and, and.... wow, slow down, Heidi--you're getting ahead of yourself.

Using a computer program and my personal translator (Hsin-Cheng), I have been advidly studying Mandarin Chinese--traditional, not simplified. I have gotten to the point where I can pick out certain words and phrases by listening or reading. I had always thought that the Chinese alphabet was just absurdly elaborate, but the more I study, the more I see a system in the symbols. It reminds me of how there is a system to Latin-based languages. There are roots and prefixes in English, and there are root symbols in Chinese. It is truly fascinating to make the connections. Though I can also see how a student of Chinese might arrogantly mistranslate something very easily. Keeping that thought in mind, I will always make sure to be sure. :-]

I am enrolled into Spanish 101 for the coming fall semester. Yawn. What could a beginning Spanish class possibly teach me? Well, as I was trying to translate a book that I could previously read quite smoothly, I was humbled by all of the things I have forgotten (due to lack of use). I suppose this is where the phrase, "If you don't use it, you lose it," comes into play. I resent that phrase and the reality of it.

By the end of the summer, I am ready for school. I really am ready to challenge my mind. I am content when I am learning. I love learning. My previous attempt at college was a fluke on my part. Why did I not see that before I enrolled? I was not ready in the mental sense, for the stress that it would be. There was too much negative going on around to distract me. As a result, I did not live up to my potential. At this point in my life, though, there doesn't seem to be anything going wrong. My family is doing much better, my self-esteem is far from lacking, and the world is a brighter place. There is a burning motivation for me to progress with my life, to move forward. And I know I can do it!

I have changed my mind about moving out. I will just spend long hours in the library to avoid environmental distractions instead of pouring a ton of money into a room that is not mine to keep. I have bigger plans for the money that I make. So I will just save my money for more important things in the future. :-]

I would also like to point out that I have the best boyfriend ever. :D

love, love, love

I have a permanent smile burning in my heart, a birthday gift from Hsin-Cheng (pronounced Shin-Chen, fyi). The world is a happier place when you're in love. I had the best four days starting July 24th, ending on July 28th. But even now, while I only have a stuffed bear that he let me keep with me to hug onto, I am still joyful. The future is bright and I do believe I will never have to endure another heartbreak or catastrophic relationship again. The relationship is no longer just for show to fend off the creepers, but as real as any relationship, and as deep as any love. I love love. Yes, he's LDS, by the way, and a good member of the church. He loves the Gospel and the Lord.

I feel so blessed... Blessed with the Gospel, with a loving family, with Hsin-Cheng, with a great job, with a great home, with great friends... What did I do to deserve such great blessings?

Also, I'm excited for school to start back, surprisingly. I just got this excitement today, and I have no idea where it came from, but I hope it lasts. Hopefully it will pull me through the semester.

I'm in need of a roomate. I'm looking to move out, not because I feel a dire need to get away from my family, but because it's the change I need to help me focus. I do have a lot of issues with the environment I live in, as it's not a healthy situation for a student and I think moving out will help me become more independent and motivated. So, anyone need a roomie?

no paragraphs, nothing fancy--just thoughtless rambling and a bunch of blah blah blah.

Welcome to my very first ADD ramble post. And this is the most honest post you'll ever read. Because there is no flow, no editing, no logic. This is the pure and raw material that comes straight from my head. Because that's how I feel today. Like blahblahblah-ing. No parties for me on Independence Day. I really wish I were going to Mimi and Papa's lake house for the fourth of July with the rest of the family. Heather was able to secure me some hours of work for Bama Dining at the University Pool on Saturday and Sunday (first time I will have ever worked on a Sunday in my life. Hopefully will be the last). That cheers me up because I haven't been able to work since May and won't get to until August. Well, now that I think about it, August isn't that far off, which makes me wonder if I shouldn't start picking courses. Hmmm. My sister is engaged! Josh proposed on June 30th, their three-year anniversary. They won't be married for another year at least because he's going up to Michigan to learn how to be a.... a.... DANG. I forgot what the job he wants is called. It's finally my favorite month, the month I was born! And not because of my birthday, mind you. I happen to think summer is at its best in this month. AND, I like to celebrate being alive. AND July has a pretty ring to it, don't you think? I've been having a Lord of the Rings-athon with my dad. We are on The Return of the King. I had forgotten how much I love that story. I remember one summer, when I was thirteen, I watched that trilogy over and over. It seems much simpler than I remembered it to be, what with how technology evolves--so discreetly, to the point where I don't even notice anymore. Older movies are more impressive than new ones. It seems like the only movies that come out these days are remakes of old ones, comic book movies, and sequels for ongoing series. And actors get duller. They sure don't have as much talent as they used to. The special affects make up for the lack of acting. But why am I going off on this tangent? Now that this post is starting to sound like the ones I made when I was fourteen on Xanga, I can't help but let myself have a small laugh. Yes, this is how thoughts are processed in my mind. They never stop going and I move quickly from one topic to the next, not even giving the one before it the chance to have the spotlight. I wish a certain Lindsay Scholes would come back from California because YSA just isn't as enticing without her. This post has made me feel WONDERFUL. Though, I know later I will look back and cringe at the lack of paragraphs and organization and point. I think the point was just that I felt like talking, even though I'm not talking, I'm typing. It reminds me of Sims. When Sims write in their diaries, their social need increases. And I have to be somewhere at 9 in the morning, so I'm leaving now.

across the sea, a pale moon rises. the ships have come, to carry you home...

Tomorrow I will be stepping foot on the sandy white beaches of Destin, and truly feeling like everything is right in the world. If there is one place on the face of the earth that I am completely in my element, it is in that little town. And not as a tourist, mind you, but a local. I know many of the local hangouts and restaurants, as well as the best unpopulated beaches. And I'd never stay in a condo. I would pay more money to sleep in a little shack off of the beach than to waste my time on a crowded beach with drunks and rednecks who keep checking me out. Luckily, staying in Destin is free for me, as my loving grandparents live there. Another great thing about Destin. In their home, I feel appreciated for who I am, and it feels so natural and right to be myself. And if anyone can cook, Carol can.

And I know once I'm there, I'll never want to leave.

And I have recently developed an unusual attachment to a person with whom I have unlikely circumstances. That person has become very special to me over the past few weeks and I wonder if that's weird. Not that I really care one way or another unless he thought I was weird haha. But I don't think that's the case. We're just friends, but we have so much in common. He, like, gets me. It's just not every day that I meet someone like that.

Perhaps the biggest thing is that recently I let go of a major contributer to my lack of self esteem, and I'm so happy, and relieved, and free. So I think now, without that wall in the way, whenever God sees fit, I will be ready for a relationship. Sure, I've always had crushes now and then, but I wasn't prepared to make anything more out of it. There was too much holding me back, too many feelings and regrets, too low of self-esteem. But something has changed, quite suddenly and drastically. I recently recieved a phone call that I had been needing for such a long time. And it helped me so much, and to the person who I had it with--she knows who she is--thank you so much.

it's time to try defying gravity

It occurred to me as I was tossing and turning in my bed, trying to fall asleep, that I hadn't posted a blog in a while; also that perhaps posting might take some things off of my mind.

Summer is my best season. Summer is when I spend the most time praying, studying scriptures, going to church activities. It's also when I have the most time to think and write. And as everyone who knows me knows, I love writing.

Lately I've decided to revert back to my original plan, which is to become a Web Designer. It's a great field, high in demand and will only continue to evolve. It's the sort of job I could do at home or in an office, depending on what fits me best.

I've been staying with my mother for the past week and it has been very refreshing and nice spending time with her. There are times in a girl's life when she just really needs her mother. This is one of those times for me.

I must admit, I often want to believe things are real, even when they are merely illusions, or ghosts of what should have been. I want to see the good in people, so I hold onto every word they say with hope that they are telling the truth. And I always analyze those words to the point where I can make just about any situation conform to my liking in my mind. Even when I'm slapped in the face with a terrible truth, even then, I try to justify it, trying to make it better than it is; and then I walk myself into a trap with eyes wide open. When will I learn to trust my instincts instead of what I want to be real? There are some things, some people, some actions, that just aren't healthy to rationalize. People tell you what they know you want to hear in order to get some sort of result from you. Now, I'm not the type of person who always has my guard down and trusts anything and everyone. But there are times when I grow attached to the idea of something, or someone, and have a hard time letting go of it, even after I learn that it isn't what I thought it was, or, he isn't who I thought he was. I recently let my guard down twice--once in pursuit of my dreams, and again in blind belief in a past love. In both instances, I knew there could be nothing but trouble waiting for me. And sure, that's what I got. The good that comes from it is that I grow stronger, older, wiser, sharper.

For ambition, I have learned that nothing worth anything comes easy. There is always work involved and you don't get something for nothing. In love, I have concluded that I will never settle for less than number one. I will never be a rebound, a filler, a stand-in--not even for someone I previously loved. And I will never give my heart away to a person who has already handed it back broken once before. Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and though that plan does not always happen when we may want it, it will come. But not for free, and not when we so badly want to pursue our own course. I have learned that patience really is a virtue.

just another bird in the house, dyin' to get out...

Bird in a House - Railroad Earth

I want to sing my own song that's all
cried the bird and flew into a wall
there must be some way he cried
and his desperation echoed down the hall

Just another bird in a house
dying to get out
just another bird in a house
dying to get out

I want to join my own kind that's all
cried the bird and flew into a wall
there must be some way out he cried
and his desperation echoed down the hall

just another bird in a house
dying to get out
just another bird in a house
dying to get out

I'm gonna smash my way out that's all
cried the bird and smashed from wall to wall
there must be some way out he cried
and his desperation echoed down the hall

just another bird in a house
dying to get out
just another bird in a house
dying to get out

I'm relating to this song lately.

I feel, much more now than ever, that I just don't belong in Alabama. I want to leave, somewhere far, far away for a long, long, time. But I don't even know where. Truthfully, I'm considering moving to Destin again. I so would not mind living there, working there, going to school at the community college there. Really, Destin never sounded as amazing as it does right now. I wonder if I'd be happier and healthier there as well? I think there is only one way to find out.